High Walls, High Standards, High Expectations,

After being hurt by my first love I stood firm to a number of standards which I expect my future husband to be. As cliche as some of them sounded a few have told me that these standards were far too high, my own relatives had told me they were far too high and such guy does not exist, however a few encouraged me to keep them high.

Ever since then, I've felt numb to any emotion of nervousness, embarrassment and crushes or infatuations. These of course came to my advantage during my studies I was fearless of any results. However, also became a disadvantage to the next couple of guys who began to like me...

My 2 first LOVES

You may be confused with the title and probably thinking how can there be two first loves? The other has got to be a second. Well as stupid as it may sound...

"I fell IN LOVE with the very person who FIRST LOVED 

me through the person I FIRST LOVED"

People would always say that their first love is God as unholy as it may make me sound he wasn't the first person I FELL IN LOVE WITH, however he is the NUMBER 1 person I will always love. 

My first love, unfortunately was unrequited.

He was the first guy whoever stood out to me in my eyes. He showed me that it is possible for a guy to be actually devoted to God at such a young age. At first I just admired how he stayed to his ministry and continued to put God first even in the midst of a relationship he was in with a girlfriend. Through this I became interested in this God he is serving whom he always kept his eyes on and always put first even when the temporary happiness of being with the one you feel all the butterfly and awe feelings with is already right in front of him. As I continued to admire him I began to improve on myself hoping one day that someone as godly as him would love me just as he loves his girlfriend. 

(note that I never felt bitter/ jealous or superior to his girlfriend during that time, but rather happy at their relationship, it gave me hope) 

So as time passed by he broke up with his girlfriend and I began to like him. I loved being around him and I loved laughing and annoying him, teasing each other brought us closer and aswell as our faith in God. Every single time i saw him my heart would feel fluttery, every class i had with him I always looked forward to. He was always there for me through my most challenging seasons of my relationship with God and through the lost of a loved one. I thought he treated me special because he always sat next to me in class and in recess, but i guess it was just how he treated everybody. One day when he felt comfortable with me he shared to me the first girl he's liked since he broke up with his ex-girlfriend. As painful as it was I kept my cool and continued to like him, despite how painful it was every time he talked to me about her. This continued moving on to other girls for 4 years until the start of 2013. Where my greatest turning point of my heart came to be. 

On a car ride on the way to drop me home we stopped by a park near my house to talk and catch up. He told me of course about a new girl he liked and how he believes that this is the girl whom he believes he can bring to his family with pride and joy. As we continued to talk about his past crushes he then asked me who my past crushes were. It was hard to bluff because there actually wasn't anyone apart from him.. so I gathered up my courage and said i LIKED him. Keeping his cool, he replied really? And jokingly walked away, came back and moved on to the next topic. The disappointed me expecting that maybe after i had disclose a secret which i've kept for 4 years he would at least say the closure i would like to hear, that at least at some point in that 4 years I had liked him, he to at some point liked me as well. Obviously, I was wrong and it broke my heart. 

Later on the conversation the words that really ultimately made me gave up was.. when he told me he had planned to ask this new girl he liked out. In denial my eyes watered, however he did not notice. If he had actually ever liked me he would not have had thoughts of asking a girl out but rather still be at a phase of confusion and contemplation. So as this confirmed my unrequited love, he took me home. And as I walked to my bedroom I cried and gave my heart fully to the Lord, built my walls and ever since I have not liked anyone since then... and till this day he has no clue that I actually seriously liked him for such a long time. 

Why Treasures Untold?

One of my all time favourite worship songs goes..

"Every new day your glory unfolds

filling my eyes with your TREASURES UNTOLD

the beauty of holiness brings worship anew

MY GREATEST LOVE IS YOU" 

From this song I have learnt that God always graces us everyday with situations that allows us to see his glory. He bestows upon us his character that he desires us to have through every decision we make. Everyday is not a mundane, repetitive day if only you open your eyes to what God has to say. His mercies are new every morning. Through this blog I hope to share the things that God opens my eyes to as I go through this journey with him and in an endeavour to become the godly woman he desires me to be.